[Pauly Wauly]

Chris Rock couldn't figure out why Will Smith was on stage walking his way....

... and then it hit him.

[JeffL0]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac that laid awake all night wondering if there was a dog?

[Esteban]

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said "yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said "no, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "how can you tell?"

Sean said "well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say 'here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...'"

[vreihen16]

So, I received an unexpected engraved invitation in the mail last month from the president's office at my former employer of almost four decades, inviting me to the annual employee holiday party and service awards presentation. Not being back since my involuntary retirement party back in July, I sent in an RSVP and today was the party.

The last event at the party is always drawings to give away gift baskets donated by contractors, area businesses, and some in-house departments. One of the gifts that they were drawing for was a "mystery envelope" donated by HR. The emcee was plugging the mystery, asking the crowd what they thought could be in this envelope? From the back of the room, a certain well-known individual named moi with a history of heckling speakers at large work events blurted out that the envelope's contents was a pink slip! The whole room busted out laughing, including the HR director.....

[Esteban]

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach buck naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye." So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Sensing the commotion, Wonder Woman cries out "what was that?" Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but all of the sudden my ass hurts."

[flybigjet]

The place your dog gets a shampoo and a haircut.....is the Groomers.

The place your wife and daughters get a shampo and a haircut.....is a Salon.

Best not to confuse the two in casual conversation.

[Esteban]

I used to be addicted to shampoo. Now I’m scratching my head wondering why I ever quit.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Had a conversation with a vegetarian recently....it went like this:

Vegetarian: "You shouldn't eat meat!!!"

Me: "Don't worry, it's plant based"

Vegetarian: "Oh, that's awesome! Which plant?"

Me: "The meat processing plant"