[Dleo]

A man was having dinner at a fine restaurant when he sees this gorgeous woman sitting alone. He tells the waiter to send her a bottle of fine wine.

The waiter brings the bottle of wine over to the womens table, and says its from the gentleman sitting over there.

The woman looks at the man and decided to write a note, it said:
In order for me to except this bottle of wine, you need to have the following:

A house with a Mercedes in the garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.

The man reads the note and decides to write his own:

For your information, I own 3 houses with Ferrari's parked in all 3 garages, over 10 million dollars in the bank, BUT not even someone as beautiful as you will ever make me cut off 3 inches, just send the bottle back!

[PaulBailey@ltbmw]

Originally Posted by Dleo

A man was having dinner at a fine restaurant when he sees this gorgeous woman sitting alone. He tells the waiter to send her a bottle of fine wine.

The waiter brings the bottle of wine over to the womens table, and says its from the gentleman sitting over there.

The woman looks at the man and decided to write a note, it said:
In order for me to except this bottle of wine, you need to have the following:

A house with a Mercedes in the garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.

The man reads the note and decides to write his own:

For your information, I own 3 houses with Ferrari's parked in all 3 garages, over 10 million dollars in the bank, BUT not even someone as beautiful as you will ever make me cut off 3 inches, just send the bottle back!

[aut0sh0cker]

What do you call a barn full of Black people?

A: antique farming equipment

[Hawkeye]

eh, I like nerdy jokes, especially math jokes. Here is a redemption.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[xxForgedxx]

Why do women have such small feet?


So they can stand closer to the SINK.

[xxForgedxx]

How do you fix a womans watch?


You don't, she doesn't need one... there is a clock on the STOVE!

[SoYank]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin'", said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[SoYank]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?", he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.

Just about then his father comes down for breakfast and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[SoYank]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with US automakers for the past 5 years whereby the automakers were installing black boxes in 4-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find, in 49 of the 50 states, the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, shit!" Only the state of Mississippi was different where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

[Slick_M3]

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile

on her face and told her mother...

'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say...

'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked...

'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... Salty!'

Mom fainted!

[Whostheboss]

Originally Posted by xxForgedxx

Why do women have such small feet?


So they can stand closer to the SINK.

[Whostheboss]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye

eh, I like nerdy jokes, especially math jokes. Here is a redemption.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[Hawkeye]

Originally Posted by Whostheboss

Oh, I am sorry, I forgot to spell a bunch of words wrong and say the punchline incorrectly

[NYBMW335]

^^ Now Thats Funny Lol

[Hawkeye]

Originally Posted by xxForgedxx

How do you fix a womans watch?


You don't, she doesn't need one... there is a clock on the STOVE!

Q: Why are wedding dresses white?
A: So they match the appliances.

Q: What do you tella woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

Q: Wht do you call a woman with 1 black eye?
A: A quick learner.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Kick her in the butt and tell her to get back to work.

Q: What is the difference between a feminist and a sumo wrestler?
A: Sumo wrestlers shave their legs.

Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: Put a windshield in-front of her.

[iatacs19]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye

eh, I like nerdy jokes, especially math jokes. Here is a redemption.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

[Tondtar]

One day, a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy lingerie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, '…and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up to the bed and went golfing with his buddies.

[Tondtar]

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The whole waiting room erupted in laughter!!!

[Tondtar]

Just my luck …:

I ended up with an older woman at a new club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No" excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night".


I went back to her place. We entered the house. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

"Mom ....you still awake?"

[Cloud9blue]

Originally Posted by aut0sh0cker

What do you call a barn full of Black people?

A: antique farming equipment

[aut0sh0cker]

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
A: Quarterback

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 50 black guys?
A: Coach

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 5,000 black guys?
A: Warden

[AW335TT]

There once was a man who was in LOVE with his money, and made his wife promise him that when he dies she will barry him with his money. One day the man died and the wife did keep her promise.. in the funeral the wifes friend said you didn't really put all his money in there did you... She replied "Yes i did.. I wrote him a check for all his money if he can cash it he can spend it"