Seeking parental advice......

Mark M · 03-01-2010, 11:48 AM

I'll try to condense this as brief as possible while still offering the needed details.

I am currently 34 years old. I had been dating Danielle for 3.5 years. She is 25 years old. We were living together. We got engaged. Within two months of engagement oddly things just started to fall apart. We were getting on each other's nerves, new issues came to light that pitted us against each other, we began to question our compatibility, etc. It felt like reality was pulling us apart.

Then I screwed up and took an office friendship to the next level. Totally wrong of me.

This then lead to the end of the engagement and the relationship with Dani was in serious question. She moved out. We both still tried to hold on and tried to make it work...but life, stress, etc really got in the way. We both did not handle the unfortunate events properly and in hindsight I wish I could fix things.

Regardless, as a result, during that awkward period, she ended up pregnant with my child. Emotionally this only pushed me away further, I felt like she was using pregnancy as a way to pull me back to her. Aka, she stopped taking the pill, why would a girl do that, and not tell her man? I became resentful instead of loving, felt like I was being forced and thus I dug in and was not the man I should have been during her pregnancy. More regrets on my part.

Fast forward, we have a beautiful and amazing 7 month old son, Joshua, but we are not together. She has a new boyfriend. I see my son three times per week. I give her $700 per month in voluntary support, not court ordered. Trying to do the right thing.

She and I don't get along very well lately and have a difficult time communicating. I am not very assertive with her because of the grief I've put her through, thus I don't want to be an assertive or controlling baby's daddy.

I wish things were different. Wish she and I had an open line of communication.

Now for the question. My name is not on the birth certificate. At the time of birth I completed the awknowledgement of paternity form which is required for the birth certificate. I then left this with her to sign and witness, then for her to mail in to the state. She indicates she is trying to resolve this matter. However, seeing that my son is now 7 months old, I don't feel like she really is trying or that perhaps she intentially wants me omitted from the certificate. Thus as my name is not on the cert, I technically have zero claim to my child. I've already had two discussions with her about this, only outcome is that she tells me she is trying, but says the state is slow to respond. This bothers me.

My next possible move is to involve a custody attorney. However, as I said above, I am trying my best to keep things civil between her and I.

Thoughts? Thanks.

Spec 1 · 03-01-2010, 03:25 PM

2-3 months I can understand. 7 months is definitely NOT the state being "slow to respond".

kyleb350 · 03-01-2010, 03:35 PM

I'm sure the state will respond quickly if you bring up you don't have to pay the $700/month until then

quality_sound · 03-03-2010, 08:12 AM

^^^Bingo.

Mark M · 03-03-2010, 03:46 PM

Catch is....I really hate to hold back on the $700/month support. I feel like if I do that I will be hurting my own son and ultimately she will spin it in a negative light. "He is a dead-beat dad, he is not supporting his son!" Nevermind the fact that she has not acted in a judicious manner to have my name listed on the birth certificate.

Further, without my name on the cert, if anything were to happen to her, I would NOT get legal claim as guardian for my son.

Sounds like my only real option here is an attorney. Ugggh.

chungdae · 03-04-2010, 03:32 PM

You should get your son.

Hawkeye · 03-04-2010, 07:28 PM

Stop paying the $700 a month and I am sure she will get you on there ASAP. Seriously. Sometimes it takes a little reality (I am sure she will suffer and not the kid if she is a decent human being)

damn, I should have read ALL of the responses

I guess you really have a strong emotional connection with your son already. I would go about getting that as soon as you can and it sounds like an attorney may be your best option.

(btw, how is this in "The Lighter Side". This is some heavy shit IMO)

quality_sound · 03-05-2010, 02:38 AM

So stop giving HER the money. If needs things buy him those things. From having kids I'll tell you this, if you'er giving her $700/mo she's banking most of it and your son is seeing very little of that money. Other than day care it really doesn't cost much to support a child. That's why I have never been able to figure out how a court can tell someont to pay $1000/mo in child support. That much money is deferring ALL of the cost to ONE parent instead of it being split and is still WAY too much money.

Jeff@TopGearSolutions · 03-08-2010, 02:46 PM

I hear you on the accusations of her saying oh "your dad stopped paying" but first your son is 7 months old... its not like they are having conversations.

Second, you are using this at ammo, to get what is right, Done.

Best case scenario, you stop paying, moves are made, and your name is made present in a timely fashion, and you continue to pay when everything is resolved (including back payment if you will).

Worst case, you stop paying, nothing gets done, and you take that money to lawyer up....

eitherway you win eventually.

I feel like your issue is a pride thing, and I understand, but what we are doing here is playing a "game", dont hate the player, hate the game.

She is playing games and you can play one back. When your son gets older, you can tell him how your mother tried to keep you away from you.

bassholic · 03-25-2010, 07:21 PM

4900 down the drain so far. That's not a bad salary for some stretch marks and a friend.

CollinsE90 · 03-25-2010, 09:10 PM

as a child that went through something rather simular, my parents are both amazing people and i wouldnt trade them for anything, i grew up 500 miles from my dad but he NEVER missed a child support payment, after the initial court decision, HE raised the support $ as we got older because he didnt want us to go through the court fighting, i seen him atleast once a month on the weekend for 18 years(weeks in the summer, christmas etc.. and i honestly dont feel like i grew up in a single parent home...both my parents have somewhat of a different story and i dont know who to believe...take her to court and get joint custody while he is young and do your best to be in every part of his life and he wont hate you for it

CarbonFiberKreations · 04-10-2010, 11:01 PM

i went through the same " Almost " what ever money you have given here , keep track of everything. When it comes down to court they will ask how much you both make , health insurance etc. The months that you guys weren't together , make sure you show the courts the amount of money you have been paying , because if she says 7 months of no money and you dont have proof , and child support comes out to 550 a month then you will have 3850.00 back pay in child support " example ". Good luck! Also , never complain how much money you have to pay because at the end of the day its bout the kid.

smmmurf · 04-11-2010, 07:24 AM

Don't stop paying, but get your name on the birth certificate.

BoxerGT2.5 · 04-13-2010, 01:18 PM

http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/ch.../pennsylvania/

Fill it out and figure if your over or under paying, that will help you determine how pushy you want to get.

Feyd · 04-13-2010, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoxerGT2.5

http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/ch.../pennsylvania/

Fill it out and figure if your over or under paying, that will help you determine how pushy you want to get.

I was gonna say the same thing.

BoxerGT2.5 · 04-13-2010, 04:53 PM

Bottom line is if your under paying, you need to get a lawyer cause that's where this is headed. I know things are trying to be kept "civil" but that kid is gonna need things like braces, glasses, healthcare, college tuition, ect. You had best know that as a non-custodial parent you have two strikes against you from a support perspective in family court. Just figure where you stand and know that she is one phone call away from having a lawyer and the courts up your ass. If you've underpaid, settle up NOW or else your gonna owe and owe and owe. The longer that goes on the bigger the check is gonna be.

03-01-2010, 11:48 AM	#1
Mark M Major 245 Rep 1,294 Posts Drives: E30M3 E83X3 E90335D Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Lancaster, PA iTrader: (0)	Seeking parental advice...... I'll try to condense this as brief as possible while still offering the needed details. I am currently 34 years old. I had been dating Danielle for 3.5 years. She is 25 years old. We were living together. We got engaged. Within two months of engagement oddly things just started to fall apart. We were getting on each other's nerves, new issues came to light that pitted us against each other, we began to question our compatibility, etc. It felt like reality was pulling us apart. Then I screwed up and took an office friendship to the next level. Totally wrong of me. This then lead to the end of the engagement and the relationship with Dani was in serious question. She moved out. We both still tried to hold on and tried to make it work...but life, stress, etc really got in the way. We both did not handle the unfortunate events properly and in hindsight I wish I could fix things. Regardless, as a result, during that awkward period, she ended up pregnant with my child. Emotionally this only pushed me away further, I felt like she was using pregnancy as a way to pull me back to her. Aka, she stopped taking the pill, why would a girl do that, and not tell her man? I became resentful instead of loving, felt like I was being forced and thus I dug in and was not the man I should have been during her pregnancy. More regrets on my part. Fast forward, we have a beautiful and amazing 7 month old son, Joshua, but we are not together. She has a new boyfriend. I see my son three times per week. I give her $700 per month in voluntary support, not court ordered. Trying to do the right thing. She and I don't get along very well lately and have a difficult time communicating. I am not very assertive with her because of the grief I've put her through, thus I don't want to be an assertive or controlling baby's daddy. I wish things were different. Wish she and I had an open line of communication. Now for the question. My name is not on the birth certificate. At the time of birth I completed the awknowledgement of paternity form which is required for the birth certificate. I then left this with her to sign and witness, then for her to mail in to the state. She indicates she is trying to resolve this matter. However, seeing that my son is now 7 months old, I don't feel like she really is trying or that perhaps she intentially wants me omitted from the certificate. Thus as my name is not on the cert, I technically have zero claim to my child. I've already had two discussions with her about this, only outcome is that she tells me she is trying, but says the state is slow to respond. This bothers me. My next possible move is to involve a custody attorney. However, as I said above, I am trying my best to keep things civil between her and I. Thoughts? Thanks. Last edited by Mark M; 03-01-2010 at 11:54 AM..
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03-01-2010, 03:25 PM	#2
Spec 1 Faster in the Corners 58 Rep 1,062 Posts Drives: '91 E30, '05 ZX6-R, '06 300C Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Portland, OR iTrader: (0)	2-3 months I can understand. 7 months is definitely NOT the state being "slow to respond". __________________ '91 M42 E30 - All sorts of goodies.
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03-01-2010, 03:35 PM	#3
kyleb350 Brigadier General 429 Rep 4,709 Posts Drives: '21 X3MC Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Milwaukee iTrader: (6)	I'm sure the state will respond quickly if you bring up you don't have to pay the $700/month until then
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03-03-2010, 08:12 AM	#4
quality_sound 8 tracks of madness 64 Rep 2,735 Posts Drives: Slowly Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: At home iTrader: (1)	^^^Bingo.
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03-03-2010, 03:46 PM	#5
Mark M Major 245 Rep 1,294 Posts Drives: E30M3 E83X3 E90335D Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Lancaster, PA iTrader: (0)	Catch is....I really hate to hold back on the $700/month support. I feel like if I do that I will be hurting my own son and ultimately she will spin it in a negative light. "He is a dead-beat dad, he is not supporting his son!" Nevermind the fact that she has not acted in a judicious manner to have my name listed on the birth certificate. Further, without my name on the cert, if anything were to happen to her, I would NOT get legal claim as guardian for my son. Sounds like my only real option here is an attorney. Ugggh.
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03-04-2010, 03:32 PM	#6
chungdae The Asian Sensation 61 Rep 708 Posts Drives: 2009 Alpine White M3, S1000RR Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Miami, FL iTrader: (2)	You should get your son.
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03-04-2010, 07:28 PM	#7
Hawkeye Brigadier General 2066 Rep 4,365 Posts Drives: '07 Z4 Coupe, '21 X3, '16 GMC Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Iowa iTrader: (0) Garage List 2016 GMC Sierra SLT [10.00] 2008 Yamaha R6 [9.00]	Stop paying the $700 a month and I am sure she will get you on there ASAP. Seriously. Sometimes it takes a little reality (I am sure she will suffer and not the kid if she is a decent human being) damn, I should have read ALL of the responses I guess you really have a strong emotional connection with your son already. I would go about getting that as soon as you can and it sounds like an attorney may be your best option. (btw, how is this in "The Lighter Side". This is some heavy shit IMO) __________________ 2007 Z4 3.0si Coupe • 6 MT • Black Saphire Metallic • PP • SP 2016 GMC Sierra SLT Z71 Premium Plus 4x4 2017 Harley StreetGlide • Denim Black • V&H Tune 2021 BMW x30i • Phytonic Blue Metallic • Fully loaded
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03-05-2010, 02:38 AM	#8
quality_sound 8 tracks of madness 64 Rep 2,735 Posts Drives: Slowly Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: At home iTrader: (1)	So stop giving HER the money. If needs things buy him those things. From having kids I'll tell you this, if you'er giving her $700/mo she's banking most of it and your son is seeing very little of that money. Other than day care it really doesn't cost much to support a child. That's why I have never been able to figure out how a court can tell someont to pay $1000/mo in child support. That much money is deferring ALL of the cost to ONE parent instead of it being split and is still WAY too much money.
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03-08-2010, 02:46 PM	#9
Jeff@TopGearSolutions 3475 Rep 79,211 Posts Drives: C6 Z06, 09 335i, 10 335xi Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: www.TopGearSolutions.com iTrader: (37)	I hear you on the accusations of her saying oh "your dad stopped paying" but first your son is 7 months old... its not like they are having conversations. Second, you are using this at ammo, to get what is right, Done. Best case scenario, you stop paying, moves are made, and your name is made present in a timely fashion, and you continue to pay when everything is resolved (including back payment if you will). Worst case, you stop paying, nothing gets done, and you take that money to lawyer up.... eitherway you win eventually. I feel like your issue is a pride thing, and I understand, but what we are doing here is playing a "game", dont hate the player, hate the game. She is playing games and you can play one back. When your son gets older, you can tell him how your mother tried to keep you away from you.
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03-25-2010, 07:21 PM	#10
bassholic New Member 6 Rep 29 Posts Drives: 3 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: usa iTrader: (0)	4900 down the drain so far. That's not a bad salary for some stretch marks and a friend. Last edited by bassholic; 03-26-2010 at 09:07 AM..
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03-25-2010, 09:10 PM	#11
CollinsE90 Where my bitches 797 Rep 1,924 Posts Drives: Cadillac coupe deville Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: street corner checking profits iTrader: (0)	as a child that went through something rather simular, my parents are both amazing people and i wouldnt trade them for anything, i grew up 500 miles from my dad but he NEVER missed a child support payment, after the initial court decision, HE raised the support $ as we got older because he didnt want us to go through the court fighting, i seen him atleast once a month on the weekend for 18 years(weeks in the summer, christmas etc.. and i honestly dont feel like i grew up in a single parent home...both my parents have somewhat of a different story and i dont know who to believe...take her to court and get joint custody while he is young and do your best to be in every part of his life and he wont hate you for it
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04-10-2010, 11:01 PM	#12
CarbonFiberKreations Lieutenant 31 Rep 469 Posts Drives: m3 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: florida iTrader: (0)	i went through the same " Almost " what ever money you have given here , keep track of everything. When it comes down to court they will ask how much you both make , health insurance etc. The months that you guys weren't together , make sure you show the courts the amount of money you have been paying , because if she says 7 months of no money and you dont have proof , and child support comes out to 550 a month then you will have 3850.00 back pay in child support " example ". Good luck! Also , never complain how much money you have to pay because at the end of the day its bout the kid.
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04-11-2010, 07:24 AM	#13
smmmurf Colonel 409 Rep 2,198 Posts Drives: E92 M3 DCT 357k+ miles Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Stanford, CA iTrader: (7)	Don't stop paying, but get your name on the birth certificate.
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04-13-2010, 01:18 PM	#14
BoxerGT2.5 Private 12 Rep 71 Posts Drives: 2007 328xi Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Chi-Town iTrader: (1)	http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/ch.../pennsylvania/ Fill it out and figure if your over or under paying, that will help you determine how pushy you want to get.
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04-13-2010, 04:53 PM	#16
BoxerGT2.5 Private 12 Rep 71 Posts Drives: 2007 328xi Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Chi-Town iTrader: (1)	Bottom line is if your under paying, you need to get a lawyer cause that's where this is headed. I know things are trying to be kept "civil" but that kid is gonna need things like braces, glasses, healthcare, college tuition, ect. You had best know that as a non-custodial parent you have two strikes against you from a support perspective in family court. Just figure where you stand and know that she is one phone call away from having a lawyer and the courts up your ass. If you've underpaid, settle up NOW or else your gonna owe and owe and owe. The longer that goes on the bigger the check is gonna be.
	Appreciate 0 Quote