Official Clean Jokes Thread!!

Cassius · 01-03-2015, 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BMW F22

Clean jokes thread bro...clean jokes mothafacking thread!!!!!! Grrrrrrr arrrrggghhhh!!!

Reading comprehension failure.

DSB335d · 01-03-2015, 02:59 AM

!

BMW F22 · 01-03-2015, 03:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSB335d

!

Lmao. Love it- very clever.

ipso_facto · 01-03-2015, 06:22 AM

Did you hear about the gynaecologist who needed to decorate his house?

He wallpapered his hallway through the front letterbox.

camnhoj · 01-03-2015, 06:43 AM

Women who say "size doesn't matter" .......
Ya their just shallow !

ipso_facto · 02-11-2015, 09:32 AM

A prospective Husband is in a book store, to purchase a book :

He asks the female sales assistant :

Do you have a book called 'Husband – The Master Of The House' ?

The sales assistant says :

Sir, Fiction And Comics are on the 1st Floor

BMW F22 · 02-11-2015, 09:56 AM

^ very nice. Lol

I posted this in the sport section but it's worth reposting here.

A reporter asked the Seahawks "hey, would you guys like to make a run for back to back SB wins?!" The Seahawks replied "nah, we'll pass."

SLOWER · 02-11-2015, 10:07 AM

I can't wait to tell that fishing hook joke today!

Whostheboss · 02-11-2015, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

MYovichZ4 · 02-11-2015, 12:17 PM

Whostheboss · 02-11-2015, 12:28 PM

French, US, Chinese, Egyptian, English and Nigerian presidents where on a plane returning from a World conference. As they were flying, the French president blindly sticks his hand out the window and touches the Eiffel tower, he yells at the pilot, "Pilot, let me off here, we're above France".

Later on, the US president also blindly sticks his hand out and touches the Statue of Liberty, he tells the pilot to let him off the plane. The Chinese president follows suit and touches the Great wall, the pilot let him off. The Egyptian president touched the Great Pyramid and the English prime minister touched the Stonehenge. The pilot let them off at their respected nations.
The Nigerian president sticks his hand out, gets his watch stolen, then he yells at the Pilot, "This is home, let me off".

upstatedoc · 02-11-2015, 01:02 PM

A man is sitting in a restaurant eating some bread and butter. He pulls the waitress aside and asks her if the breads topping is "I can't believe it's not butter". She says "no" and he says" I can't believe it's not I can't believe it's not butter".

Whostheboss · 02-11-2015, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by upstatedoc

A man is sitting in a restaurant eating some bread and butter. He pulls the waitress aside and asks her if the breads topping is "I can't believe it's not butter". She says "no" and he says" I can't believe it's not I can't believe it's not butter".

NEFARIOUS · 02-12-2015, 05:46 PM

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.

“He says you’re gonna die.”

KingOfJericho · 02-13-2015, 07:51 AM

My grandfather had a stutter - he died trying to say "papaya". - Dave Attell

UncleWede · 03-24-2015, 10:35 AM

What are the 10 best years in any Irishman's life?

3rd grade

BMW F22 · 03-24-2015, 10:37 AM

^ LOL

UncleWede · 03-24-2015, 10:50 AM

And just a saying, echoing Jesus from long ago: "Wherever you find 4 Catholics, you'll always find a fifth"

(Yes, he used to tell me things like that)

954Stealth · 03-31-2015, 10:55 AM

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye matey

BMW F22 · 03-31-2015, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 954Stealth

What did the pirate day when he turned 80?

Aye matey

Lmao niice one

ipso_facto · 04-23-2015, 08:48 AM

There are 3 rapid ways to get a message out in the world ...

1. Telegraph

2. Telephone

3. Tell a woman

upstatedoc · 04-24-2015, 08:13 PM

Did you hear the one about the jump rope?

Ah, just skip it..

01-03-2015, 02:59 AM	#24
DSB335d Captain 1320 Rep 700 Posts Drives: '11 335d DSB/oyster&black/navi Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: West palm beach iTrader: (0)	! Attached Images
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01-03-2015, 06:22 AM	#26
ipso_facto Second Lieutenant 478 Rep 249 Posts Drives: F10 520d M Sport (Sports Auto) Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: UK, East Midlands iTrader: (0)	Did you hear about the gynaecologist who needed to decorate his house? He wallpapered his hallway through the front letterbox.
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01-03-2015, 06:43 AM	#27
camnhoj Private First Class 11 Rep 119 Posts Drives: 2012 f10 520d M sport Join Date: May 2013 Location: ireland iTrader: (0) Garage List 2012 bmw 520d M sport [0.00]	Women who say "size doesn't matter" ....... Ya their just shallow !
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02-11-2015, 09:32 AM	#28
ipso_facto Second Lieutenant 478 Rep 249 Posts Drives: F10 520d M Sport (Sports Auto) Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: UK, East Midlands iTrader: (0)	A prospective Husband is in a book store, to purchase a book : He asks the female sales assistant : Do you have a book called 'Husband – The Master Of The House' ? The sales assistant says : Sir, Fiction And Comics are on the 1st Floor
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02-11-2015, 09:56 AM	#29
BMW F22 Major General 3677 Rep 9,783 Posts Drives: ///M235i Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Bay Area iTrader: (8)	^ very nice. Lol I posted this in the sport section but it's worth reposting here. A reporter asked the Seahawks "hey, would you guys like to make a run for back to back SB wins?!" The Seahawks replied "nah, we'll pass."
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02-11-2015, 10:07 AM	#30
SLOWER Lieutenant Colonel 311 Rep 1,733 Posts Drives: 2003 M3 Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: MA iTrader: (8) Garage List 2024 BMW X5 M60i [0.00] 2003 M3 Convertible [0.00]	I can't wait to tell that fishing hook joke today!
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02-11-2015, 12:17 PM	#32
MYovichZ4 Private First Class 128 Rep 178 Posts Drives: 2007 Z4 3.0i Roadster Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Western Burbs of Chicago iTrader: (0) Garage List 2007 BMW Z4 3.0i [0.00] 2011 Cadillac CTS C ... [0.00]	__________________ 2007 BMW Z4 3.0i Roadster / Silver Grey BMW CCA 492691
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02-11-2015, 12:28 PM	#33
Whostheboss Captain 424 Rep 841 Posts Drives: a 9incher Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: No. Virginia U.S.A. iTrader: (0)	French, US, Chinese, Egyptian, English and Nigerian presidents where on a plane returning from a World conference. As they were flying, the French president blindly sticks his hand out the window and touches the Eiffel tower, he yells at the pilot, "Pilot, let me off here, we're above France". Later on, the US president also blindly sticks his hand out and touches the Statue of Liberty, he tells the pilot to let him off the plane. The Chinese president follows suit and touches the Great wall, the pilot let him off. The Egyptian president touched the Great Pyramid and the English prime minister touched the Stonehenge. The pilot let them off at their respected nations. The Nigerian president sticks his hand out, gets his watch stolen, then he yells at the Pilot, "This is home, let me off". __________________ WHO'S THE BOSS Last edited by Whostheboss; 02-11-2015 at 01:55 PM..
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02-11-2015, 01:02 PM	#34
upstatedoc I'll get back to you 7546 Rep 2,132 Posts Drives: blue streak Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: not downstate iTrader: (2)	A man is sitting in a restaurant eating some bread and butter. He pulls the waitress aside and asks her if the breads topping is "I can't believe it's not butter". She says "no" and he says" I can't believe it's not I can't believe it's not butter". __________________ 2018 Stinger GT 2009 E90 N51 /Active Autowerke Stage 2 tune/BMW Performance Exhaust/ Countermeasure enthusiast.
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02-13-2015, 07:51 AM	#37
KingOfJericho Major General 2458 Rep 7,341 Posts Drives: Yes Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: CT iTrader: (1) Garage List 2010 135i Coupe [5.26]	My grandfather had a stutter - he died trying to say "papaya". - Dave Attell __________________ The views and opinions expressed in this post are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Bimmerpost. 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee High Altitude Hemi \| 2010 S4 Sold \| 2010 BMW 135i Retired \| 2006 Lotus Exige Sold
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03-24-2015, 10:35 AM	#38
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18603 Rep 9,436 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	What are the 10 best years in any Irishman's life? 3rd grade
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03-24-2015, 10:37 AM	#39
BMW F22 Major General 3677 Rep 9,783 Posts Drives: ///M235i Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Bay Area iTrader: (8)	^ LOL
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03-24-2015, 10:50 AM	#40
UncleWede Long Time Admirer, First Time Owner 18603 Rep 9,436 Posts Drives: G01 X3 M40i Dark Graphite Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Oxnard, CA iTrader: (0)	And just a saying, echoing Jesus from long ago: "Wherever you find 4 Catholics, you'll always find a fifth" (Yes, he used to tell me things like that)
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04-23-2015, 08:48 AM	#43
ipso_facto Second Lieutenant 478 Rep 249 Posts Drives: F10 520d M Sport (Sports Auto) Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: UK, East Midlands iTrader: (0)	There are 3 rapid ways to get a message out in the world ... 1. Telegraph 2. Telephone 3. Tell a woman
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04-24-2015, 08:13 PM	#44
upstatedoc I'll get back to you 7546 Rep 2,132 Posts Drives: blue streak Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: not downstate iTrader: (2)	Did you hear the one about the jump rope? Ah, just skip it.. __________________ 2018 Stinger GT 2009 E90 N51 /Active Autowerke Stage 2 tune/BMW Performance Exhaust/ Countermeasure enthusiast.
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