[3.0L]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

Q: What’s something long and hard that every Polish bride receives on the night of her wedding?

A: A new last name!

Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?

A: Bubblegum, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

[gjm120]

Q: What's pink, hard and comes in the morning

A: The Financial Times crossword puzzle

[KRS_SN]

Husband - right love, get your coat on, I’m going down to the pub.
Wife - ooh, that’s nice love, you haven’t taken me out in ages.
Husband - oh, you’re not coming with me, I’m just turning the heating off.

[KRS_SN]

A train hits a busload of women and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl , "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says,
"OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Joanne have you ever had any contact with a man's thing ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls and a girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies..
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her fanny in it!!"

[KRS_SN]

Heard from the floor

”The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[2000cs]

I heard there are several hookers on the LPGA tour

[Esteban]

Saw this years ago. Not a typical joke for this thread, but vreihen16 made a post about George Carlin recently and it made me think of this.

[CarsAndGuitars]

Originally Posted by Esteban

Saw this years ago. Not a typical joke for this thread, but vreihen16 made a post about George Carlin recently and it made me think of this.

FWIW that was originally released on his 1975 LP An Evening With Wally Londo

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by CarsAndGuitars

FWIW that was originally released on his 1975 LP An Evening With Wally Londo

Have seen him do this several different times. Always funny.

Rest In Peace, George.

[CarsAndGuitars]

Originally Posted by Esteban

Have seen him do this several different times. Always funny.

Rest In Peace, George.

GC is far and away my favorite stand up comedian (and philosopher) since I was a preteen. Without exaggeration (and for better or worse) he helped to shape my world view with as much influence as anyone including my family.

[Lady Jane]

After Church Service, I walked past a panhandler.
" Any change, Lady?"
No. I still have my big house and BMW.

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by CarsAndGuitars

GC is far and away my favorite stand up comedian (and philosopher.) Without exaggeration (and for better or worse) he helped to shape my world view with as much influence as anyone including my family.

A comic genius...

[Lady Jane]

I met this good-looking guy on eHarmony who listed his profession as an abattoir worker. He's a stunner!

[M5Rick]

RAF pilot on radio in the Battle of Britain
''Skip, bandits are twelve o clock high!''

Squadron leader: ''Relax it's only eleven, there's plenty of time'

[3.0L]

You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do?





Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

[Llarry]

Two aliens on an interstellar exploration mission land on the planet Earth; they happen to land at midnight at a closed gas station in a one-horse town in desert New Mexico.

The team consists of one veteran explorer and one newbie. The newbie approaches a gas pump and courteously requests "Please take me to your leader." The gas pump does not reply.

After a minute or so, the younger alien repeats the request, this time a bit less politely: "Take me to your leader!" Still nothing from the gas pump...

Finally, fed up and PO'd, the newbie alien pulls out his blaster pistol and takes a shot at the gas pump. The gas pump erupts in a huge explosion, brightening the night sky and throwing the younger alien back 20 feet or so. He lays on the ground, frazzled and smoking.

The older and wiser alien says "Look, kid -- one of the things you learn in this interstellar exploration gig is that you never, ever point your blaster at somebody with a six foot penis!"

[forumlurker]

[KRS_SN]

My mate Dave was lying in bed with his wife on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary.
She turned to Dave and said...
"Darling, as this is such a special occasion....
I think that it is time I made a confession:
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years."
Dave pondered for a moment.
Then looked into his wife's eyes and says:
"My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years!
I cannot hold your past against you.
But maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade
and spice up our sex life a bit?"
"I don't think you understand," replied his wife...........
"My name was Brian and I played rugby.

[KRS_SN]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[Kowalski2011]

[Lady Jane]

A pun has not completely matured until it's full groan.

[Esteban]

A ghost walks into a bar.
Bartender asks,
"What'll you have?"
Ghost says,
"I'm here for the BOOs!"