[vreihen16]

News flash! Thieves stole a truck that was delivering Viagra.

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.....

[KRS_SN]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fuing get in there you cnt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fuing manager of this pigs sit middle class wnk hole please
you cnt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of sit, I saw your poxy advert in the cnting
window and I'm here to audition.....wnker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed twt, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just jzzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cnts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'Wnker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sht
box you get crp on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your rngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'** it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cck is hanging
out of your trousers, and spnk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

[rmedina]

[KRS_SN]

Man says to doctor; "When my wife comes home from shopping she takes all the coins out of her purse and arranges them on the table".
Doctor; " It's ok, she just going through the change".

[KRS_SN]

A little old lady was having trouble using the cash machine in front of me.
“Could you help me check my balance dear? she said.
So I gave her a little shove and she fell over.

[3.0L]

I went on a cruise and got sunburned on my legs. I've been treating it by taking Viagra. It hasn't helped heal the sunburn but it's helped keep the sheets off of my legs at night.

[KRS_SN]

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.
The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"
The man replies, "First blowjob today."
The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."
"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."

[KRS_SN]

A woman was entering her dog into a show and needed to smarten it up with hair remover so went to a pharmacy for some depilatory cream.

"If you're using it under your arms, make sure to hold your arms up for five minutes after using it," said the pharmacist.

"Oh it's not for my arms," said the lady embarrassed, "It's for my chihuahua."

"In that case," said the pharmacist, "Avoid riding on a bike for 3 days

[KRS_SN]

"When we talk to god its called praying, when god talks to us its called paranoid schizophrenia"

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

"When we talk to god its called praying, when god talks to us its called paranoid schizophrenia"

I know a few paranoid schizophrenics.

[Esteban]

^^ 332 Use the calculator in your phone if pencil and paper won't work for you.

[Esteban]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Esteban]

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

[Esteban]

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

[KRS_SN]

Man says to wife "I think we should try another position tonight"

"Okay" says wife "you do the ironing and cooking and I'll sit on the sofa and watch sports and fart"

[Esteban]

How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

[garyfried]

How is life like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end you get the faster it goes.

[Esteban]

Q: how do you make a pool table laugh?

A: tickle its balls.

[Dino GT]

A 70 year old man asked his wife:
Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?
Wife replied: No, not at all. Even dogs chase cars they can`t drive!

[Dino GT]

Finally figured out my meaning in life, and that`s to provide value to the shareholders.

[Dino GT]

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.

[Esteban]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.