[Esteban]

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

[2000cs]

Originally Posted by Esteban

How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Reminds me of an old Tom Lehrer line: “Life is like a sewer, what you get out of it depends on what you put into it”

[3.0L]

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She:"Oh that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

[KRS_SN]

A judge is about to pass sentence on a man:

Judge: "The defendant will rise. You have been found guilty of the heinous crime of murdering your wife by means of blows to the head with a hammer".

A man shouts out from the public gallery: "Bastard!".

The judge looks up at him, disapprovingly, and, looking at the defendant, continues:

'You have further been found guilty of the crime of murdering all your children, by means of blows to the head with a hammer"

The man in the public gallery shouts out again: "You f*g bastard!"

The judge replies: "Silence in my court, these outbursts will not be tolerated", and turning to the defendant: continues "You have further been found guilty, by a majority verdict, of the merciless slaughter of your mother-in-law, and her husband, by means of blows to the head with a hammer".

'You Bastard!" the man in the public gallery shouts out again.

The judge says: "Clerk of the court, bring that man down before me". When the man is in front of him, the judge says: " before I pass sentence on you for contempt of my court, do you wish to say anything?"

To which the man replies: "I'm sorry, your honour, but I've been living next door to that man for 10 years, and every time I ask to borrow a hammer, he says he hasn't got one,"

[KRS_SN]

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

[KRS_SN]

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

[Accentu8]

Do you know why Texas doesn’t just fall off into the Gulf of Mexico?

Because Oklahoma sucks!

��

[Esteban]

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

[CamasM3e93]

By the way, do you know why cows never get a pedicure?

Well for one thing they lack-toes

[sygazelle]

Here's the latest from my grandson:

He asks, "Grandpa, what kind of deer can you see through"

I reply, "I don't know."

He replies, "A windoe".

[sygazelle]

Why did the deer go to the ATM?

To pick up some bucks.

[Esteban]

"Knock, knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Abby."
"Abby who?"
"Abby New Year to you all!" 🎉 🎈 🎊

[Buug959]

If Ironman and the Silver Surfer teamed up would they be alloys?

[Esteban]

I made a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating, but I'm going to wait until next year to start.

[Buug959]

How do you make your wife cry during sex?

You call her.

[Esteban]

A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink. After awhile, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?” The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer. Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag. The man agrees. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find that guy?” The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken.” The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.” The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks and the room is suddenly filled with a million ducks. “This thing is definitely broken!” says the bartender. The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

[gjm120]

A sequel to Esteban 's joke:

A brand new Ferrari pulls up in front of a bar. Out walks a guy who is obviously very wealthy. He is also extremely handsome but has a very small head.

He sits down orders a drink and is getting some attention from a woman. She finally strikes up a conversation with him and they chat for a while. After some time she tells him how taken she is with him but wants to ask one thing – you seem to have everything- money, looks but your small head is kind of strange. She asks how that happened. He explains he was walking along a beach and found a mermaid beached in the sand. He pulled her back to deep enough water and the mermaid said she would grant the man 3 wishes. He said ok – I want significant wealth. I want to be very handsome. Then he asked to have intercourse with you. She said I can’t do that for obvious reasons. So he said “ok, how about a little head”.

[Lady Jane]

An elderly patient was on full oxygen therapy when he asked the attending nurse in a muffled voice if his testicles were black.

The nurse informed him that his physician would be doing his rounds in the morning and that he could discuss the matter with him.

The patient then pleaded: " Please nurse, I have to know now...Please."

Although a bit hesitant, the nurse pulled back the sheets and started a gentle visual and tactile examination of the patient.

After a few minute or so, she informed the elderly gentleman that everything was fine down below.

With a big sigh, he removed his oxygen mask and said: "Thank you. That was very nice. But can you tell me if my test results are back?"

[KRS_SN]

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house. “It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone, “I do hope it’s not another emergency.”

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says “Hi, what’s up?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold. “It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a game of bridge and we’re short one player so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”

“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice, “I’m leaving right now.” And he puts down the phone.

“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.

“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.

“They’ve already called three doctors.”

[Esteban]

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm going in.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Soul_Glo

🦇

I humor this kind of love. Funny very indeed! ):

[HFW003]

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.

He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”