[TrevorM3]

deep stuff here, good to see this is more than just a forum.


we can all provide something to someone.

[grimlock]

If you just can't get joy out of life, then you are depressed - you lay in bed and don't want to do anything because there is no motivation of payoff so why bother.
But if you are experiencing PAIN, then you may consider actually ending your life - because ever second of living with it is too much - whatever enjoyment you get from doing anything is dwarfed by the thing that is bothering you.
I believe if you can see it in these terms, understand what goes on in the reasoning that may be hidden to you inside you head, then you may see it 'objectively' and can pull yourself out of it.
The main issue is PAIN. This is what is making you feel like ending it. All pain has a source, identifying where it comes from is the tricky part. But if you accept that the way you feel has a reason a SOURCE, then you can already see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The rest is psychology/self-discovery work.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by 954Stealth

Hey man, sorry I didn't get to reply in a more timely manner. Glad to see you're ok and here today. Just know that we are here for you. Before you do anything, please talk to us. You are always more than welcome to PM and we can try to work through what's going on.

Be strong, my friend. Fight and don't give up. And, please, recognize and accept the value that those around you see in you.

Thank you very much. I know we forum members give each other a hard time once in a while, but I can't express my gratitute enough to know that it is possible to find support and understanding from you guys.

I don't do any other online social media, so you guys are the only internet friends i have! lol

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by NEFARIOUS

Most definitely glad to help... If I feel that I can prevent one more person from ending their lives since I wasn't able to help my dad prevent that fate, I'm glad to lend a helping hand. Personally, if I told you even 2 incidents that I'm going through right now, you'd probably say "holy crap, at least I'm not that guy" ...

But all it takes is perseverance and having faith that things will get better, and all you gotta do is reach out for assistance; people aren't as careless as you think. Just when I thought shit hit the fan, there's even people I haven't talked to in 3 years that came around to help and even gave me money for survival since my job is behind on giving me my payroll and I've already taken out 2 payday advances just to make sure my car isn't repo'd and to have food on the table.

...But sometimes, things happen for a reason, and your silver lining may just be around the corner, and like the point I was trying to make earlier, there's always going to be someone that may have a worse situation, so count your blessings... I highly recommend watching The Secret, which has gotten me out of my worst binds before, and my tip to anybody is to think positively towards the wisdom and/or strength to get out of your situation, not sitting around and hoping something will fall into your lap, unless it's just the strength to persevere through a bad memory (but it'll still come back to that). Also remember; any event in life is always neutral. Sometimes it's not what happens, but it's your reaction and what's done about it, and what happened in the past doesn't always shape your present (wish I can tell the credit bureau that ).

Feel free to PM me at anytime. If my phone was working right now I'd even let you call/text, even if it's 3AM.

I see that you are definitely going thorugh some difficulties as well, because i see your posts on other threads on this forum. Your resilience is admirable, and i will definitely take a couple pages from your book.

You are absolutely right. Things could always be worse. We all deal with our problems differently, and some take the hit harder than others. I have been to a few different locations all over the world, so I know that many of us should keep our complaining to a minimum, lol.

I can't show my gratitude enough. You defintely helped me out this weekend. i hope your situation starts to improve as well. Hang in there. Know that you have a friend in the NYC area, so if you ever find yourself in the area and need to reach out, just say the word and I will help out in any way I can.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by ddk632

Samurai of 2day

I can't pretend to know what you might have gone through, or are going through, but I think it's normal for many of us to feel depressed from time to time and possibly relate on some level to another's plight. And it's always transient, it passes, and when we look back at those tough times, we are triumphant in that we got past them and moved on to start new chapters in life and new adventures and new passions.

On a serious side note, if you're constantly or frequently feeling like you might do something that everyone who loves you will regret, my recommendation is to remove the item you mentioned is under your bed which can possibly be used to do this bidding (and any other similar items) and place them in a safety deposit box, and do not retrieve them until you've conquered such feelings.

If I may recommend an interesting and enlightening book about perseverance in the face of a peril which I would think puts most anyone to shame regarding their own tribulations, please check out the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl, if you haven't already read it. If you have, read it again.

Always know no matter what you provide value to other people. You may not even know it but it is always true, big or small. Even on a forum in OT you provide value to others. I always enjoy reading your posts and hope to continue to have the privilege of doing so.

We all get dealt some bad cards in life from time to time. The test of character and what makes us who we are is how we respond, deal with, and learn from those experiences. Whatever it is, I can promise you that you will get through it, and as others have stated, your time will come. You will find joy and meaning. And you will look back and think, "how could I have even considered that?"

Thanks a lot, DDK632. Over the years, I have gained a lot of respect for you because your posts are always informative, based on facts, and (usually) neutral... I caught you giving some other forum menbers a hard time when you feel it necessary, lol.

I agree with you 100%. An individual's true character comes to the surface when they have to deal with loss or adversity. I will treat my current "difficulties" as just another obstacle that needs to be overcome. I've done it before, so I should be able to do it again.

Thanks you once again for providing support an encouragement. Words can't express how I have been taken aback on how many of our fellow car enthusiast forum members took the time out to express concern and support for me, who in reality is just a humble, anonymous, ramdom guy who happens to like cars, lol.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by Revartr

I've been in a similar spot, though probably not the same. Hell, I've been a bit of a loner as of late. Aside from hitting up a bar with a couple of friends every now and then, I mostly just go home, get drunk, and watch tv. But I try to take pleasure in my tipsiness from liquor, tasty food, and humorous television. But sometimes that can only go so far or in some cases make it worse. Try spending more time in nature. Today, for instance, I went out on a long hike out in some deep woods, brought some cold beer (and plenty of water) with me, found a nice spot on the river, and just sat on the edge and relaxed. Take it all in, how beautiful the world we live in is, saw a few deer, cracked a couple of beers, etc. It truly is an awesome experience.

On a side note, one thing that I do believe can go a long, long way is an animal companion. It's always lovely to come home to a happy animal buddy (personally, I prefer dogs). One reason, I'll be happy to move out of this place.

I hear you, my friend. Sounds like our routines are similar, indeed. I very rarely drink during the week, because it would interfere with my workout routine... but once Friday night rolls around, and if I'm not working the weekend, I like to enjoy my drinks pretty much the entire weekend. I don't get sloppy with it, just maintain a steady level of tipsiness, as you so eloquently put it, lol. Then I either boot up the Xbox, or maybe watch something funny on TV, or listen to music. The music has been kinda messing me up lately...

It did cross my mind to get a dog as well. No issues with cats, I actually think cats (especially the big ones) are quite majestic. A dog is more my style though, and they tend to be more interactive than cats. I would love to get a puppy and raise him, but I tend to like the medium/large dogs, so my One Bedroom APT ain't cutting it, lol. I live in a pretty urbanized area, so I wouldn't want to subject a dog to those accomdations, especially when he gets big in a couple years.

When I finaly settle down a get a house and a little yard, I will definitely explore pet options.

Sitting by the river with a couple drinks sounds like an interesting experience. Do you do that often? Do you go alone or with friends? Just curious because I would have to take a drive to do something like that, but it sounds like a good way to change the scenery and get to know oneself when our thoughts tend to get overwhelming.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by TrevorM3

deep stuff here, good to see this is more than just a forum.


we can all provide something to someone.

I agree with this. Originally, I just posted because I was following this thread because some of the replies were funny, as we all give each other a bit of a hard time, when appropriate, of course.

I was honestly surprised to see how many people responded to my issue with a genuine sence of concern. It is truly an honor to be a part of this community, and I only hope that one day will come where I can help someone here, they way you all have supported me.

[Revartr]

Originally Posted by Samurai of 2day

I hear you, my friend. Sounds like our routines are similar, indeed. I very rarely drink during the week, because it would interfere with my workout routine... but once Friday night rolls around, and if I'm not working the weekend, I like to enjoy my drinks pretty much the entire weekend. I don't get sloppy with it, just maintain a steady level of tipsiness, as you so eloquently put it, lol. Then I either boot up the Xbox, or maybe watch something funny on TV, or listen to music. The music has been kinda messing me up lately...

It did cross my mind to get a dog as well. No issues with cats, I actually think cats (especially the big ones) are quite majestic. A dog is more my style though, and they tend to be more interactive than cats. I would love to get a puppy and raise him, but I tend to like the medium/large dogs, so my One Bedroom APT ain't cutting it, lol. I live in a pretty urbanized area, so I wouldn't want to subject a dog to those accomdations, especially when he gets big in a couple years.

When I finaly settle down a get a house and a little yard, I will definitely explore pet options.

Sitting by the river with a couple drinks sounds like an interesting experience. Do you do that often? Do you go alone or with friends? Just curious because I would have to take a drive to do something like that, but it sounds like a good way to change the scenery and get to know oneself when our thoughts tend to get overwhelming.

Ah, I see what you mean about the pet thing, haha. I leased a condo in Miami for a couple of years, and they wouldn't allow pets over 30lbs, so that was out of the question. Think about getting a cat, though. They can be alright, lol.

And I like to go hiking/swimming with friends usually, but sometimes I enjoy the peacefulness in solitude. Quiet, relaxing, allows you to truly take it all in.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by grimlock

If you just can't get joy out of life, then you are depressed - you lay in bed and don't want to do anything because there is no motivation of payoff so why bother.
But if you are experiencing PAIN, then you may consider actually ending your life - because ever second of living with it is too much - whatever enjoyment you get from doing anything is dwarfed by the thing that is bothering you.
I believe if you can see it in these terms, understand what goes on in the reasoning that may be hidden to you inside you head, then you may see it 'objectively' and can pull yourself out of it.
The main issue is PAIN. This is what is making you feel like ending it. All pain has a source, identifying where it comes from is the tricky part. But if you accept that the way you feel has a reason a SOURCE, then you can already see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The rest is psychology/self-discovery work.

Your aim is pretty good. Like you said, I have to identify the source of pain I am experiencing. That's what the problem is. I am aware that my situation in not bad at all.

I have a decent paying job, my physical health is great (mental health not so much) lol, and I am pretty responsible so i don't have to rely on others in order to maintain my lifestyle.

I think my problem is that I am just tired. Self awareness and enlightenment have always been priority for me for as long as I can remember. It can just take it's toll when dealing with the reality of doing and going through taxing experiences as Soldier for many, many years. I'm in a positon where I have to bear the responsibility for many others, so I tend to neglect myself more and more, in order to ensure the happiness and well being of everyone else, professionally, and personally.

At the risk of revealing the nerd in me, over the years, I have named this feeling the "Spider-Man Complex". Basically, the act of sacrificing one's needs and wants in order to put everyone else in a better place, all the while being treated or regarded as a problem/nuisance/bother or "asshole" gets tiring, and make the individual think about quitting.

I know I cannot quit. It really isn't in my nature. So I will find the strength to continue the fight, and I definitely appreciate all of the strength you all have given me to realize that moving forward is the only way to not stay stuck in the past.

Thank you all.

Sorry this thread got so off topic. This was supposed to be a thread where we could all come and share a laugh, or a cry depending on what kind of drunk we turn into on any given day, and I hope it gets back on track!

[TrevorM3]

Originally Posted by Samurai of 2day

I agree with this. Originally, I just posted because I was following this thread because some of the replies were funny, as we all give each other a bit of a hard time, when appropriate, of course.

I was honestly surprised to see how many people responded to my issue with a genuine sence of concern. It is truly an honor to be a part of this community, and I only hope that one day will come where I can help someone here, they way you all have supported me.

don't be stressed man, get out and rip on the bike!!

At least that's what I'd do.

[UncleWede]

When you sit by that stream and look around, you should be in AWE of the abundance of life around you, in all its many forms.

What gives you the right to end yours? Who's going to be the dick and keep those other soldiers alive?

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by TrevorM3

don't be stressed man, get out and rip on the bike!!

At least that's what I'd do.

Taking the bike out is definitely therapeutic, lol. She was hiding from the rain in the garage last week, but taking her to work this morning had a "refreshing" effect on me. maybe it's the adrenaline.

Currently, I have an "office" assignment, and that has had a draining affect on my attitude towards everything sice I have been here. I belong in the field, or on the battlefield, plain and simple, lol.

One more year to go, then I can be back on the line. I will treat this like a bid. That will give me something to look forward to.

382 days and a wake up!!

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by UncleWede

When you sit by that stream and look around, you should be in AWE of the abundance of life around you, in all its many forms.

What gives you the right to end yours? Who's going to be the dick and keep those other soldiers alive?

Enjoying the sights and sounds of nature can be awe inspiring, for sure.

Funny thing is when I was in charge of Soldiers, they always seemed to genuinely respect how I operated and conducted "business". I always treated my men fairly, and I don't lead from the rear. Even if we are tasked with filling sandbags... I will have a shovel in my hand.

I'm not in a leadership position at the moment because of my current assignment, but I will ride this out and get back to what I know, or perhaps start weighing out future career options.

You guys have me thinking about future plans again, when just a week ago, I was frustrated everytime my alarm woke me up.

Thank you all for the support. A good kick in the ass is what is needed sometimes to get up that hill!

[NEFARIOUS]

Originally Posted by Samurai of 2day

I see that you are definitely going thorugh some difficulties as well, because i see your posts on other threads on this forum. Your resilience is admirable, and i will definitely take a couple pages from your book.

You are absolutely right. Things could always be worse. We all deal with our problems differently, and some take the hit harder than others. I have been to a few different locations all over the world, so I know that many of us should keep our complaining to a minimum, lol.

I can't show my gratitude enough. You defintely helped me out this weekend. i hope your situation starts to improve as well. Hang in there. Know that you have a friend in the NYC area, so if you ever find yourself in the area and need to reach out, just say the word and I will help out in any way I can.

Most definitely glad to cover your 6 on that regard, that PTSD can be a real downer... I may not have been on a battlefield, but last year I did have to endure some things some people should never see and briefly had it myself. Also a career change is always a refreshing change of pace... I'm still throwing out resumes like crazy and am planning to jump ship the split second something comes up myself. Being happy with all that you do, including a nice house, rides, and occupation is a nice balance that should not be overlooked... My philosophy has always been that if you aren't at least contempt with one, change it for the better as soon as humanly possible. You may have read about my battles, but the going has only gone rough for a month and things are shipping up, and I hope to see your battles clear soon; I have faith that things have a way of working itself out.

Anyway, which borough do you live in? I got a cousin in SoHo (IIRC) who recently moved out there from Taiwan, not to mention I've always wanted to see what the praises of New York pizza is all about... Last (and so far only) time I was there in '01 it was a poorly coordinated tour and except for continental breakfast, everybody stuck to Chinese food they can get anywhere in Taiwan instead of immersing themselves into local culture . Anyway, when I get to head out to NYC again, hope to be able to see you there and buy you a round... To celebrate you staying alive. So stay frosty; that "frost" just might keep your beer cold .

[954Stealth]

Samuraiof2day

So now that I am sufficiently drunk, let me tell you a story. Actually, let me tell you two. Don't worry I'll give you the abridged versions.

The first is one that I went through in my teens. I was depressed. My brother had died a few months previous to my descent in the depression I was feeling. I was just sixteen and he died at a mere 19 years old. I felt there was no future for me, no purpose, no reason for going on. And so I set out on a path such as that which you eluded to in a recent post. I was going to do it with a car, though. I was going to jump in front of a car. There was one night when I had had a fight with my parents and I decided, amidst my teenage angst and lack of maturity, that that was the night. So I went outside and loitered on the sidewalk next to a busy street. I saw a car...I decided that was the one that would be my ending. No, it was not a car it was actually a public transportation bus. Do you know those long, bendy busses? It was one of those. The traffic drew on and the bus drew closer...my mind was made up. I braced myself for the inevitable. Then a car cut out from behind the bus and accelerated past the bus, the driver saw me on the sidewalk and pulled off in to this cul-de-sac type driveway which was just to my right. It was an aunt of mine who I hadn't seen in about 3 years. Somehow, someway she just happened to be there at the right time in exactly the right moment for me. This was an aunt that I really looked up to, that helped me so much in my earlier years and with whom I had had a close connection.

My next story involves my later teenage years and my last years of high school. My best friend was having a tough time and his parents had just separated. He lived with his mother but his Dad visited from time to time. In fact, most of the basement and the barn held his Dad's possessions while the top 2 floors of their house was the Mom's stuff and the Mother's life. Well, we were hanging out one night in fact I think it was the day after Thanksgiving. We needed to help his mother plant some new plants in the front lawn and clean up the walkway. Clean up? Ok, so we needed a broom. I said "Hey, I'll run to the barn and grab a broom and a couple rakes." Guess what i found when I went to the barn? No, don't guess...I'll tell you: his Dad had shot himself in the head with a shotgun right there in the barn.

Why am I writing this? I do not know another way to so clearly and emotionally and with such conviction explain just how precious life is. There is ALWAYS a purpose for us being here (even if we don't completely understand it at the time) and there are ALWAYS people here on this earth the WANT us to be here, that love us and that really care for us, even if we don't believe it or recognize it at the time. Life is beautiful and precious and fleeting. People are born, live and die and - in the grand scheme of the universe - it is such a short, brief time.

What we need to do, and what I challenge you and everyone else to do is to think about each moment that we live. Live in that moment, feel it, be present. I would also challenge each and every one of you to let those around know what they mean to you. Tell them you love them. Slap your bro in the head and tell him you're glad he's your friend. Shake someone's hand and tell them thank you. Go buy some flowers and bring them home to your wife. Let your kids know how lucky you are that they are in your life.

Life is a gift; let's appreciate it and live it as fully as we can.

[Anorax]

Originally Posted by 954Stealth

Samuraiof2day

So now that I am sufficiently drunk, let me tell you a story. Actually, let me tell you two. Don't worry I'll give you the abridged versions.

The first is one that I went through in my teens. I was depressed. My brother had died a few months previous to my descent in the depression I was feeling. I was just sixteen and he died at a mere 19 years old. I felt there was no future for me, no purpose, no reason for going on. And so I set out on a path such as that which you eluded to in a recent post. I was going to do it with a car, though. I was going to jump in front of a car. There was one night when I had had a fight with my parents and I decided, amidst my teenage angst and lack of maturity, that that was the night. So I went outside and loitered on the sidewalk next to a busy street. I saw a car...I decided that was the one that would be my ending. No, it was not a car it was actually a public transportation bus. Do you know those long, bendy busses? It was one of those. The traffic drew on and the bus drew closer...my mind was made up. I braced myself for the inevitable. Then a car cut out from behind the bus and accelerated past the bus, the driver saw me on the sidewalk and pulled off in to this cul-de-sac type driveway which was just to my right. It was an aunt of mine who I hadn't seen in about 3 years. Somehow, someway she just happened to be there at the right time in exactly the right moment for me. This was an aunt that I really looked up to, that helped me so much in my earlier years and with whom I had had a close connection.

My next story involves my later teenage years and my last years of high school. My best friend was having a tough time and his parents had just separated. He lived with his mother but his Dad visited from time to time. In fact, most of the basement and the barn held his Dad's possessions while the top 2 floors of their house was the Mom's stuff and the Mother's life. Well, we were hanging out one night in fact I think it was the day after Thanksgiving. We needed to help his mother plant some new plants in the front lawn and clean up the walkway. Clean up? Ok, so we needed a broom. I said "Hey, I'll run to the barn and grab a broom and a couple rakes." Guess what i found when I went to the barn? No, don't guess...I'll tell you: his Dad had shot himself in the head with a shotgun right there in the barn.

Why am I writing this? I do not know another way to so clearly and emotionally and with such conviction explain just how precious life is. There is ALWAYS a purpose for us being here (even if we don't completely understand it at the time) and there are ALWAYS people here on this earth the WANT us to be here, that love us and that really care for us, even if we don't believe it or recognize it at the time. Life is beautiful and precious and fleeting. People are born, live and die and - in the grand scheme of the universe - it is such a short, brief time.

What we need to do, and what I challenge you and everyone else to do is to think about each moment that we live. Live in that moment, feel it, be present. I would also challenge each and every one of you to let those around know what they mean to you. Tell them you love them. Slap your bro in the head and tell him you're glad he's your friend. Shake someone's hand and tell them thank you. Go buy some flowers and bring them home to your wife. Let your kids know how lucky you are that they are in your life.

Life is a gift; let's appreciate it and live it as fully as we can.

I've been down these paths. On a few occasions.

What if I were to tell you... I disagree? Life is not a gift.

It's the only STD that's 100% fatal in all cases.

That aside, hell yes. Live it as fully as you can, because there's nothing waiting for you in the dirt.

[bimmette]

Originally Posted by Samurai of 2day

I agree with this. Originally, I just posted because I was following this thread because some of the replies were funny, as we all give each other a bit of a hard time, when appropriate, of course.

I was honestly surprised to see how many people responded to my issue with a genuine sence of concern. It is truly an honor to be a part of this community, and I only hope that one day will come where I can help someone here, they way you all have supported me.

I'm a little late, but also want to say that we are here for you. Ironic in the drunk thread, but I say put away the alcohol. Sell the glock. You can also PM me when you need talking off the ledge.

[grimlock]

Originally Posted by Samurai of 2day

Your aim is pretty good. Like you said, I have to identify the source of pain I am experiencing. That's what the problem is. I am aware that my situation in not bad at all.

I have a decent paying job, my physical health is great (mental health not so much) lol, and I am pretty responsible so i don't have to rely on others in order to maintain my lifestyle.

I think my problem is that I am just tired. Self awareness and enlightenment have always been priority for me for as long as I can remember. It can just take it's toll when dealing with the reality of doing and going through taxing experiences as Soldier for many, many years. I'm in a positon where I have to bear the responsibility for many others, so I tend to neglect myself more and more, in order to ensure the happiness and well being of everyone else, professionally, and personally.

At the risk of revealing the nerd in me, over the years, I have named this feeling the "Spider-Man Complex". Basically, the act of sacrificing one's needs and wants in order to put everyone else in a better place, all the while being treated or regarded as a problem/nuisance/bother or "asshole" gets tiring, and make the individual think about quitting.

I know I cannot quit. It really isn't in my nature. So I will find the strength to continue the fight, and I definitely appreciate all of the strength you all have given me to realize that moving forward is the only way to not stay stuck in the past.

Thank you all.

Sorry this thread got so off topic. This was supposed to be a thread where we could all come and share a laugh, or a cry depending on what kind of drunk we turn into on any given day, and I hope it gets back on track!

This is not a unique problem - there are givers and there are takers, the way we are programmed by our upbringing from birth.
If you're tired and see the futility in the struggle, it's probably a good sign that what you are doing (giving too much) is never going to get you what you want. Realize it's just a script from the particular circumstances of your own individual story - however the world out there and the way anybody else does things is totally different.
Einstein said doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
Take a step back from what you are doing, see that you are in fact doing a particular thing, and it seems to produce the same results over and over again. Do you need any further evidence to stop doing it the same and try something else? The 'cheat' in this riddle, which exists in some form or fashion for everyone, is that your parents are insane (well, everybody, in some form or manner is lol). Their conception of reality is FLAWED but it is the only one children are brought up experience - we don't know any better. We literally cannot see how things could be any other way because we have become brainwashed through repetition.

Best of luck, bro.

Originally Posted by 954Stealth

Samuraiof2day

So now that I am sufficiently drunk, let me tell you a story. Actually, let me tell you two. Don't worry I'll give you the abridged versions.

The first is one that I went through in my teens. I was depressed. My brother had died a few months previous to my descent in the depression I was feeling. I was just sixteen and he died at a mere 19 years old. I felt there was no future for me, no purpose, no reason for going on. And so I set out on a path such as that which you eluded to in a recent post. I was going to do it with a car, though. I was going to jump in front of a car. There was one night when I had had a fight with my parents and I decided, amidst my teenage angst and lack of maturity, that that was the night. So I went outside and loitered on the sidewalk next to a busy street. I saw a car...I decided that was the one that would be my ending. No, it was not a car it was actually a public transportation bus. Do you know those long, bendy busses? It was one of those. The traffic drew on and the bus drew closer...my mind was made up. I braced myself for the inevitable. Then a car cut out from behind the bus and accelerated past the bus, the driver saw me on the sidewalk and pulled off in to this cul-de-sac type driveway which was just to my right. It was an aunt of mine who I hadn't seen in about 3 years. Somehow, someway she just happened to be there at the right time in exactly the right moment for me. This was an aunt that I really looked up to, that helped me so much in my earlier years and with whom I had had a close connection.

My next story involves my later teenage years and my last years of high school. My best friend was having a tough time and his parents had just separated. He lived with his mother but his Dad visited from time to time. In fact, most of the basement and the barn held his Dad's possessions while the top 2 floors of their house was the Mom's stuff and the Mother's life. Well, we were hanging out one night in fact I think it was the day after Thanksgiving. We needed to help his mother plant some new plants in the front lawn and clean up the walkway. Clean up? Ok, so we needed a broom. I said "Hey, I'll run to the barn and grab a broom and a couple rakes." Guess what i found when I went to the barn? No, don't guess...I'll tell you: his Dad had shot himself in the head with a shotgun right there in the barn.

Why am I writing this? I do not know another way to so clearly and emotionally and with such conviction explain just how precious life is. There is ALWAYS a purpose for us being here (even if we don't completely understand it at the time) and there are ALWAYS people here on this earth the WANT us to be here, that love us and that really care for us, even if we don't believe it or recognize it at the time. Life is beautiful and precious and fleeting. People are born, live and die and - in the grand scheme of the universe - it is such a short, brief time.

What we need to do, and what I challenge you and everyone else to do is to think about each moment that we live. Live in that moment, feel it, be present. I would also challenge each and every one of you to let those around know what they mean to you. Tell them you love them. Slap your bro in the head and tell him you're glad he's your friend. Shake someone's hand and tell them thank you. Go buy some flowers and bring them home to your wife. Let your kids know how lucky you are that they are in your life.

Life is a gift; let's appreciate it and live it as fully as we can.

That's some great advice. Glad you're ok.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by NEFARIOUS

Most definitely glad to cover your 6 on that regard, that PTSD can be a real downer... I may not have been on a battlefield, but last year I did have to endure some things some people should never see and briefly had it myself. Also a career change is always a refreshing change of pace... I'm still throwing out resumes like crazy and am planning to jump ship the split second something comes up myself. Being happy with all that you do, including a nice house, rides, and occupation is a nice balance that should not be overlooked... My philosophy has always been that if you aren't at least contempt with one, change it for the better as soon as humanly possible. You may have read about my battles, but the going has only gone rough for a month and things are shipping up, and I hope to see your battles clear soon; I have faith that things have a way of working itself out.

Anyway, which borough do you live in? I got a cousin in SoHo (IIRC) who recently moved out there from Taiwan, not to mention I've always wanted to see what the praises of New York pizza is all about... Last (and so far only) time I was there in '01 it was a poorly coordinated tour and except for continental breakfast, everybody stuck to Chinese food they can get anywhere in Taiwan instead of immersing themselves into local culture . Anyway, when I get to head out to NYC again, hope to be able to see you there and buy you a round... To celebrate you staying alive. So stay frosty; that "frost" just might keep your beer cold .

Hang in there NEFARIOUS. You seem to have a plan, so stick with it and things will definitely improve, as you said. Although the plan very rarely survives contact with the enemy, having contingency plans usually help pick up the slack.

I think my current problem is that complacency has set in, and this is really against my nature. I need to motivate myself to start setting goals for myself again, and not simply fade away into the haze of wake up, go to the gym/dojo, go to work, got to my APT, go to sleep. Rinse, wash repeat. You mentioned PTSD, and it's facinating how everyone of us, Service member or not, can experience PTSD and it's effect can set in at any given time, fade away then maybe emerge again. I have always been interested in how perception shapes the thought process, and how everyone interprets reality differently, even when hard evidence can prove the individual's thought process to be skewed.

I live in Queens now, but grew up in BK, before I lived all over the place due to work. SO, I know Queens and Brooklyn fairly well. I also know the City well, as I worked in Manhattan for a few years. Always down for a drink or two, so I will only allow you to buy the first round, if you can accept me covering the second round!

Bimmette is going to want punch me for saying that, because she is suggesting I give the bottle a rest for a while..... and I belive she may on to something there.

[Billup]

Nothing in life is worth giving up on yourself. I lived in a box for 4 months. Talk about being in some shit. However, as shitty as it was, here I am today, because I didn't give up.

There are too many things in the world to experience, and you only get one chance to experience it all, so why give up something as precious as that? You know, I've had 3 friends off themselves back in HS, and you know what, as much as I loved them as friends, it's selfish. You're here, on earth, with millions of opportunities in the palm of your hand. Embrace it and find happiness in yourself. When you can walk around with your head held high, people notice, and it can have some huge affects on how you view life.


You do only live a single time. On earth at least.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by 954Stealth

Samuraiof2day

So now that I am sufficiently drunk, let me tell you a story. Actually, let me tell you two. Don't worry I'll give you the abridged versions.

The first is one that I went through in my teens. I was depressed. My brother had died a few months previous to my descent in the depression I was feeling. I was just sixteen and he died at a mere 19 years old. I felt there was no future for me, no purpose, no reason for going on. And so I set out on a path such as that which you eluded to in a recent post. I was going to do it with a car, though. I was going to jump in front of a car. There was one night when I had had a fight with my parents and I decided, amidst my teenage angst and lack of maturity, that that was the night. So I went outside and loitered on the sidewalk next to a busy street. I saw a car...I decided that was the one that would be my ending. No, it was not a car it was actually a public transportation bus. Do you know those long, bendy busses? It was one of those. The traffic drew on and the bus drew closer...my mind was made up. I braced myself for the inevitable. Then a car cut out from behind the bus and accelerated past the bus, the driver saw me on the sidewalk and pulled off in to this cul-de-sac type driveway which was just to my right. It was an aunt of mine who I hadn't seen in about 3 years. Somehow, someway she just happened to be there at the right time in exactly the right moment for me. This was an aunt that I really looked up to, that helped me so much in my earlier years and with whom I had had a close connection.

My next story involves my later teenage years and my last years of high school. My best friend was having a tough time and his parents had just separated. He lived with his mother but his Dad visited from time to time. In fact, most of the basement and the barn held his Dad's possessions while the top 2 floors of their house was the Mom's stuff and the Mother's life. Well, we were hanging out one night in fact I think it was the day after Thanksgiving. We needed to help his mother plant some new plants in the front lawn and clean up the walkway. Clean up? Ok, so we needed a broom. I said "Hey, I'll run to the barn and grab a broom and a couple rakes." Guess what i found when I went to the barn? No, don't guess...I'll tell you: his Dad had shot himself in the head with a shotgun right there in the barn.

Why am I writing this? I do not know another way to so clearly and emotionally and with such conviction explain just how precious life is. There is ALWAYS a purpose for us being here (even if we don't completely understand it at the time) and there are ALWAYS people here on this earth the WANT us to be here, that love us and that really care for us, even if we don't believe it or recognize it at the time. Life is beautiful and precious and fleeting. People are born, live and die and - in the grand scheme of the universe - it is such a short, brief time.

What we need to do, and what I challenge you and everyone else to do is to think about each moment that we live. Live in that moment, feel it, be present. I would also challenge each and every one of you to let those around know what they mean to you. Tell them you love them. Slap your bro in the head and tell him you're glad he's your friend. Shake someone's hand and tell them thank you. Go buy some flowers and bring them home to your wife. Let your kids know how lucky you are that they are in your life.

Life is a gift; let's appreciate it and live it as fully as we can.

Thank you for sharing your story, 954Stealth. I am glad that you are still around to tell it to us. I know how difficult it is to share those thoughts because I felt the same way growing up. Ultimately, because I have always felt out of place, I have contemplated ending it countless times, but would never even DARE to mention what was ruminating in my mind because deep down, I consider suicide to be basically quitting or giving up... which would be unacceptable because my father instilled in me at a very young age that weakness is unacceptable... and although there have been many times, (military training/fighting in tournaments/dealing with heartbreak/restraining anger/etc) that I can remember WANTING to give up, something in me won't allow me to.

It is my humble opinion that you were right in choosing family (your Aunt) over ending it all. The thought of family is probably the strongest reason I have not made that choice as well. It is very sad that you lost your brother so early in life. I don't have any biological brothers, so I can't imagine the toll that takes on a young man in his teens, but I do have brothers in my heart that have taken their own lives in the recent years, or suffered violent deaths at the hands of others, and it is truly a heart wrenching experience when the dust is settled, and yet another loved one has to be put in the ground.

Uncle Wede said it best, what gives (me) us the right to intentionally put the people who call us brother, through that same experience...? NOTHING.

[Samurai of 2day]

Originally Posted by bimmette

I'm a little late, but also want to say that we are here for you. Ironic in the drunk thread, but I say put away the alcohol. Sell the glock. You can also PM me when you need talking off the ledge.

Thank you. I mentioned in a couple posts above this one that you may be right about taking a break from the bottle. After years of getting drunk every weekend (as long as I'm not working) it has become a routine of mine to drink in my down time.

I used to get wasted with my cousins or some of the guys from my old Recon Platoon, depending on who was available. If everyone was otherwise preoccupied, I would just drink by myself. Over the years, almost all of my boys (some kinda unbelievable) have had kids or gotten married or both, so even though there is no love loss, and I am actually quite proud of many of them for growing up (better late than never), I feel like I am being left behind.

I will give your suggestion some serious thought. I actually don't have a problem with my own drinking, kind of enjoy being "not sober", and it hasn't had a negative affect on things like work or health (yet) or my responsibilities, but maybe if I put the bottle down during the weekends, I can do something more constructive with my free time instead of drinking in the dark.

Thank you once again.