[Buug959]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

“I am so sorry Bob. I’m riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife for many weeks now. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”

The heartbroken man, enraged, went into his bedroom, grabbed his wife and threw her out the back door.

Then he locked the door.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

“Damn, autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”

[Buug959]

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times.
Finally, the bartender asks, “After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?”
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

[Esteban]

One day a guy was driving down the road and he came to a farmhouse.

The man went up and knocked on the door.

The farmer answered and said “howdy. Can I help you?”

The man replied “yes sir. I noticed you have some honeysuckle in your backyard.”

Farmer said “yes son, I do.”

The man asked "do you mind if I get a couple pails of honey?”

The farmer just laughed and said “you can’t get honey from honey suckle.

“Let me try!” Said the man.

Two hours later the man came walking up with 2 pails of Honey.

The farmer asked “how’d you do that??”

“Ahhh. It’s a secret!” Exclaimed the man

Two weeks later, another knock on the door.

The farmer answered and said “howdy. Can I help you?”

The man replied "yes sir. I noticed you have some milkweed in your backyard.”

Farmer said “yes son, I do.”

The man asked "do you mind if I get a couple pails of milk?”

The farmer just laughed and said “you can’t get milk from milkweed.

“Let me try!” Said the man.

Two hours later the man came walking up with 2 pails of Milk.

The farmer asked “how’d you do that??”

“Ahhh. It’s a secret!” Exclaimed the man.

Two weeks later, same guy comes knocking on the door.

Farmer answered and said “you again, what now?”

The man stated “I notice you got some pussy willow in your backyard.”

Farmer said “hold on. I’m getting my hat and coming with ya!!”

[BMWGUYinCO]

From midnight on tonight, I'm only watching movies and streaming content in 4K.

That's my New Year's resolution.

[M5Rick]

^ I've finished with New Year's resolutions, every time I make one I forget in a short while what the resolution was.

[bigrum]

Have you ever ripped a fart while on a work Zoom and have that terrifying moment before you double check whether or not you were on mute?