[Llarry]

Conventional wisdom: Listen to your body.

My body: I'm old and fat and want tacos.

[Esteban]

How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

[Buug959]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them:

“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure.” They said. “You’re welcome.”

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Partway around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer.

“What do you do for a living?”

He replied, “I’m a hitman.”

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” reaching into his golf bag.

Pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

“Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight.” Said the other friend.

“Can I take a look? Think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her. He’s naked as well! The b!tch!”

He turned to the hitman.

“How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s a Friend of mine, so just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” Said the friend impatiently.

“Just wait a moment. Be patient.” Said the hit man calmly.

“I think I can save you a thousand dollars here!”

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by Buug959

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them:

“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”

“Sure.” They said. “You’re welcome.”

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Partway around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer.

“What do you do for a living?”

He replied, “I’m a hitman.”

“You’re joking!” was the response.

“No, I’m not,” reaching into his golf bag.

Pulling out a beautiful sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.

“Here are my tools.”

“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight.” Said the other friend.

“Can I take a look? Think I might be able to see my house from here.”

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her. He’s naked as well! The b!tch!”

He turned to the hitman.

“How much do you charge for a hit?”

“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

“Can you do two for me now?”

“Sure, what do you want?”

“First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he’s a Friend of mine, so just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson.”

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you going to do it or not?” [...]

[Esteban]

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

[M5Rick]

You know what the young chicken said to the old?
You're no spring chicken !

[BMWGUYinCO]

The wife told me: "Sex is so much better on vacation!"


....I was NOT expecting to read that on the postcard she sent me from Greece.

[M5Rick]

Age is just a number.
It's totally irrelevant unless, of course,
you happen to be a bottle of wine.

[Esteban]

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

Centipede.

(Centipede who?)

Centipede on the Christmas tree.

[M5Rick]

There was a man from Bromley
Who hated parkers on his property
He huffed and puffed when I did it for a laugh
And still didn't calm with a jokey
(True story!

[Esteban]

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

[Esteban]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

[M5Rick]

What do you do when you can't sleep and telling lousy jokes?
Ah! Have a bottle of wine

[Esteban]

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brush me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Welshman: "That sheep's a fecking liar!!”

[M5Rick]

Some learn that getting old is like a roll of restroom paper.
The closer the roll gets to the end, the faster it goes.

[Esteban]

The American says to his wife: "Please pass me the honey, honey"

Then the Englishman requests: "Please pass me the sugar, sugar," to his wife.

The Scotsman thinks for a second, then bickers "Pass me the milk, ya cow!"

[Esteban]

Last one before I turn in.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

Night all.

[3.0L]

Originally Posted by Esteban

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

Centipede.

(Centipede who?)

Centipede on the Christmas tree.

What goes 99, clomp.

You guessed it, a centipede with a wooden leg.

[Esteban]

What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

[M5Rick]

What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A car-pet.

[Buug959]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said “I’m Tom.” The entire congregation held its breath..

“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

[Buug959]

What do you call children born in a whore house?

Brothel sprouts.