[scm6079]

I'm looking for some opinions - I have a good friend (he was even my best man when I got married 10 years ago) who has been w/o a job for several years. He's worked some contract work off and on to make rent on a shared apartment.

About 7-8 years ago I bought him a car when he was working regularly, and his old car died. He didn't ask for it, but I knew he couldn't afford even a used car at the time.

Well, 8 years later and the once fairly nice used car I bought him is on the path to death (it has 150,000 miles!) Given he's out of work I'm torn if it would be more helpful to him to help him by buying him a car, repairing his current one -- or just offering advice. I personally think he could be working full time if he really wanted to be - and am afraid buying the car in this situation would just be "enabling"...

Am I over-reacting? What would you do?

Thanks for any and all opinions and comments.

_Scott

[Solonng]

I think that you should give him some money so he can go to school.

[Taittinger]

What does he bring to the equation?

[quest556]

No better way to help him other than tough love and help him to help himself. In other words, stop enabling him. No way I'd buy him a car but I might offer it as incentive if he could get and hold a job..

[Z4INHTOWN]

i say don't buy him another car, he may be a good friend as you say ,and also you think he could be working full time if, he really wanted to , why isn't he ? it's not easy to go to work everyday and deal with difficult people ,but we do it ,because we need money to have what we want,by continually helping him,you're enabling him to keep sliding by in life,it seems like he has some growing up to do , he's very fortunate to have a friend like you to help him in hard times,but he needs to stand on his own two feet,and shouldn't abuse your friendship.

[Comet]

Originally Posted by Z4INHTOWN

i say don't buy him another car, he may be a good friend as you say ,and also you think he could be working full time if, he really wanted to , why isn't he ? it's not easy to go to work everyday and deal with difficult people ,but we do it ,because we need money to have what we want,by continually helping him,you're enabling him to keep sliding by in life,it seems like he has some growing up to do , he's very fortunate to have a friend like you to help him in hard times,but he needs to stand on his own two feet,and shouldn't abuse your friendship.

I concur 100% with him...
but if you want, you can buy me a car

either way, why do you feel the need to buy him a car?


I also like quest556's idea of offering at as an incentive...
but do it more as a "keep the job for x Months at least"

[AndrewAZ]

Dont do it.. Hes has had 8 years to get on his feet.. Dont feel sorry for him at all.. Z4INHTOWN hit the nail on the head.. How old is the guy? 40?

[e92leon]

Offer him some opportunities for him to turn his life around

[Dubbedoutbimmer]

incentive and also a very very long sit down talk because if he does not get moving soon towards a solid job he will be the guy on YOUR couch when it time to retire!!~!

[fanatic]

Originally Posted by e92leon

Offer him some opportunities for him to turn his life around

+1
Help him get a full time job. He can then get his own car.

Don't reward those with ability but chose not to use it. There are so many other people that can do more with less and never see this type of generosity.

[scm6079]

Originally Posted by AndrewAZ

Dont do it.. Hes has had 8 years to get on his feet.. Dont feel sorry for him at all.. Z4INHTOWN hit the nail on the head.. How old is the guy? 40?

He is still several years shy of 40 yet, 35.

The general vibe of this thread is he needs to get off his a** and get a full time job... I'm thinking letting him go-it-alone is a good idea...

I've never quite understood how he could stand to not work... perhaps I'm a work-o-haulic... perhaps just normal.

Thanks for the opinions everyone!

_Scott

[TiAg335i]

Yeah...definetly don't buy him the car...for two reasons:

1. He will feel as if everytime he has a problem he can turn to you without solving the problem on his own first.

2. Money, when misused in a certain context, can destroy friendships/families.

[DSe93]

find him a good job

[akack79]

If you feel the need to buy a used car, you can buy me one, I'm looking to get a beater car

Seriously, your friend needs to get off his lazy arse and get a job, a minimum wage job is better than no job.

[AndrewAZ]

Originally Posted by DSe93

find him a good job

Why does the OP have any responsibility.. The guy is almost 40 years old.. Its not like helping out a college buddy after you graduate that is just starting out in life... Seeing that the guy has a past history of being laid off I would be hesitate to find him a job since your obviously going to use one of your connections and the only time I would use a connection of mine for someone else is if I knew they would work as hard as I would. I cant tell you how many people I know who have gotten their buddy a job and that buddy works hard for a week then slacks off and eventually gets fired, that only makes you look bad but also angers the connection you used since now they have to waste more time and money to find a new person.

[ejheverest]

definately don't buy him a car until he deserves one.

[!Xoible]

Originally Posted by scm6079

I'm looking for some opinions - I have a good friend (he was even my best man when I got married 10 years ago) who has been w/o a job for several years. He's worked some contract work off and on to make rent on a shared apartment.

About 7-8 years ago I bought him a car when he was working regularly, and his old car died. He didn't ask for it, but I knew he couldn't afford even a used car at the time.

Well, 8 years later and the once fairly nice used car I bought him is on the path to death (it has 150,000 miles!) Given he's out of work I'm torn if it would be more helpful to him to help him by buying him a car, repairing his current one -- or just offering advice. I personally think he could be working full time if he really wanted to be - and am afraid buying the car in this situation would just be "enabling"...

Am I over-reacting? What would you do?

Thanks for any and all opinions and comments.

_Scott

no, find him a job on invest that money in something that makes him busy, makes him able to afford his car.

[LOLrance]

Out of curiosity, what car did you buy him?

[Couch]

You're hearts in the right place, but don't do it. He needs to do things on his own. It sounds like he may be given things all the time in pity. He accepts them and has found a loop-hole to not work.

How can he not find a full-time job in all those years?

I have a friend that's similar, we'll call him A (age 28 or 29). He's been given so much stuff, that he doesn't try. He went to college when the rest of us began (he had been out of H.S. for several years). He quit after a year. He then began working at a church part time I believe when he moved home.

He claimed he was going to get his Realtor License. I gave him the benefit of doubt, even though I knew he would quit. Another friend, B, vocally made a bet that he wouldn't finish. That set off a fire storm of anger from the people close to A towards B. He quit. His Probe died, and was given his parents Mazda. He know lives in Austin running his best friends aunts shop. They pay for his apartment, I believe. Given him a Tag watch, and believe he drives one of their rides.

He's a good guy, and means well, he's just been spoon feed his entire life. I don't know the rest of the story, but it sounds somewhat similar.

Maybe the best thing you should do, is have a one on one and find out why he won't work.

[solefald]

i never understand when people say "i cant find a job"

i came to states 13 years ago, not knowing a single word of english, yet, the total time i spent without having a job in all this time is 2 *WEEKS*. Why? Because i knew if i would not be able to support myself, no one will do it for me.

So here I am, 13 years later driving a brand new BMW that I am playing for with my own money.

If this dude was such a good friend of yours, he would NEVER live off of you, and your hard earned cash. Your friend is a parasite and a loser. Sorry

[stooken]

buy a car for your parents not your friend.

[Hair Führer]

Yes of course.